Fear, Anger, Hormones and a Manicure
So now that I am living in fear of getting mugged everyday and basically pissed off at this and how it affects by favourite way of stealthily moving around the city - I am trying to figure out how to cope. I am walker, a person who knows the secret places of the places I live and I absolutely cannot spend the rest of my time here in the back of a taxi. Besides, I'm too cheap for that - and trying to figure out how to squeeze a second video camera out of my humble little budget.
I actually think everyone here is afraid and thus angry everyday here in Nairobi. Not always and not everywhere but on the streets. It's like the first time I went to London I remember thinking, where are the people who smile? Of course, no one smiles in London unless they're drinking or laughing at someone which they do here too but in a much more jovial - it takes a village kind a way. This would be a good place to launch a spy school maybe - I noticed M16 was hiring (they put an ad in the Economist of all places, in what I would have thought would be a major security risk). Someone hustling on the streets of Nairobi would be a great choice to go undercover for HRH.
Now I am carrying not only my cash but my mobile phone in my brassiere so no one can see that I am packing heat. It's a bit embarassing pulling Shillings out of my shirt but it's the only place I figure even a Nairobi robber wouldn't have the guts to reach for. I was thinking today that when I go back home this summer to regroup will I carry with me this same new paranoia I am experiencing here? Will I look carefully at every open swinging hand that approaches near my person and wonder if it will quickly reach out and grab me?
I think I can now tell who the bad guys are - the ones to stay clear of because you can divert from them i think. They grab quickly so I figure I should be able to dodge quickly too. If I notice someone crossing to my side of the street in rough attire and empty hands, age 18-30, I cross the street the other way just in case. Haven't determined yet whether walking in the street or on the sidewalk is safer - the street feels safer but it's a faster getaway. The sidewalk might protect me but it's also congested and blurry and nobody's going to help me there anyway. So I keep stashing my cash in the bra and the phone is cheap so I just think about all the money I save on taxis.
For the last two days I have been nothing but angry. Hormones of course are a strong factor but I think too the mugging is starting to affect me - not the reason - that's obvious, poverty and circumstance. But what makes me pissed off is that this place is better than that, the people are amazing and they live in this compromised storm of ineffectiveness, suspicion and worst of all - apathy. Everything is here for the taking and making of a really great beautiful fun city but there's a pall, or a film that lies on top of everything and everyone, this subtle and numbing fear. This is so hard for someone like me - naive and trusting to a fault - I don't function at all living in fear and with anger. Standing in my office crying the other day because so many things didn't seem to work - I looked out at everyone getting on buses to go home to feed their kids and it made me bitter. I feel so strongly that this place has the ability to change but only time will tell, a long time really. Keep looking for a cement mixer and a taped-off street to maybe be a sign of change and clean shoes.
Sometimes it's the little small moments that make me forget this new fear I have, like a manicure. Or an ice-cream cone. And a hot cut of Kenyan tea, mixed with milk and lots of sugar and if there's a donut or a cookie nearby for dunking. Writing these stories lately without my camera makes me feel like a blind writer. I miss the colour and the shapes of all the beautiful things I was taking photos of. It's always gives me hope and reminds me why I'm here.
Strangers of the Week - 2 taxi drivers who said it was okay to cry and told me to call if I felt sad or I needed a ride.
dbwa, Sue
I actually think everyone here is afraid and thus angry everyday here in Nairobi. Not always and not everywhere but on the streets. It's like the first time I went to London I remember thinking, where are the people who smile? Of course, no one smiles in London unless they're drinking or laughing at someone which they do here too but in a much more jovial - it takes a village kind a way. This would be a good place to launch a spy school maybe - I noticed M16 was hiring (they put an ad in the Economist of all places, in what I would have thought would be a major security risk). Someone hustling on the streets of Nairobi would be a great choice to go undercover for HRH.
Now I am carrying not only my cash but my mobile phone in my brassiere so no one can see that I am packing heat. It's a bit embarassing pulling Shillings out of my shirt but it's the only place I figure even a Nairobi robber wouldn't have the guts to reach for. I was thinking today that when I go back home this summer to regroup will I carry with me this same new paranoia I am experiencing here? Will I look carefully at every open swinging hand that approaches near my person and wonder if it will quickly reach out and grab me?
I think I can now tell who the bad guys are - the ones to stay clear of because you can divert from them i think. They grab quickly so I figure I should be able to dodge quickly too. If I notice someone crossing to my side of the street in rough attire and empty hands, age 18-30, I cross the street the other way just in case. Haven't determined yet whether walking in the street or on the sidewalk is safer - the street feels safer but it's a faster getaway. The sidewalk might protect me but it's also congested and blurry and nobody's going to help me there anyway. So I keep stashing my cash in the bra and the phone is cheap so I just think about all the money I save on taxis.
For the last two days I have been nothing but angry. Hormones of course are a strong factor but I think too the mugging is starting to affect me - not the reason - that's obvious, poverty and circumstance. But what makes me pissed off is that this place is better than that, the people are amazing and they live in this compromised storm of ineffectiveness, suspicion and worst of all - apathy. Everything is here for the taking and making of a really great beautiful fun city but there's a pall, or a film that lies on top of everything and everyone, this subtle and numbing fear. This is so hard for someone like me - naive and trusting to a fault - I don't function at all living in fear and with anger. Standing in my office crying the other day because so many things didn't seem to work - I looked out at everyone getting on buses to go home to feed their kids and it made me bitter. I feel so strongly that this place has the ability to change but only time will tell, a long time really. Keep looking for a cement mixer and a taped-off street to maybe be a sign of change and clean shoes.
Sometimes it's the little small moments that make me forget this new fear I have, like a manicure. Or an ice-cream cone. And a hot cut of Kenyan tea, mixed with milk and lots of sugar and if there's a donut or a cookie nearby for dunking. Writing these stories lately without my camera makes me feel like a blind writer. I miss the colour and the shapes of all the beautiful things I was taking photos of. It's always gives me hope and reminds me why I'm here.
Strangers of the Week - 2 taxi drivers who said it was okay to cry and told me to call if I felt sad or I needed a ride.
dbwa, Sue
posted by Sue Stanfield at 11:17 AM
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